Sunday, March 30, 2014

Crazy emotions

Today for some reason I feel Lonely! I have been around the people at church, my family and a few friends at the park, so there is no reason I should feel lonely. I miss my parents and siblings in Utah I wish we were going over to my parents for family dinner right now. I have been looking forward to living in a home and being done with condo living, starting residency and making a real pay check. Now that we are a month or so away I am so scared! l don't know what school to put Tate in and if he will be accepted to any of them any way? Is buying a home the right choice or should we still be renting? If buying is the right choice will we find and get into the right house and neighborhood? Will we make friends? Is Tate going to like school? Will he make friends? I don't want him to be bullied or fall behind intellectually. I have been with out Tex for extended periods of time but we are starting a hard rode all over again and I am sad and lonely just thinking about all the nights and holidays me and my kids will spend alone. I don't want to do it! I know I need to, and I want to be strong for my kids and husband also  just so I can look back and say "YOU DID IT" and you did a great job! Still though I wish I could have my sisters or mom come be with me when I needed them. After all my complaining I sit back and feel so guilty because I know that there are so many people going through way harder life challenges then I am so I don't have any right to be sad or lonely and how can you be so excited for something to happen in your life and then when it approaches be so terrified?? I know I have a ton of blessings to  be grateful for and I love my kids and husband but I feel distant from all of it. I am strong where my husband is weak and I am weak where he is strong and some times that makes for a not so happy couple. He is really my only friend that I can be totally real with and right now I am missing even that. For any one who ever reads this even my kids in the future do not think that I am not grateful for what I have or mistake my need to express my self in a more somber attitude today for a lack of love for you or for my sweet husband, I cant imagine my life any other way, as life goes though we go through hard times and I am trying my best right now to just put one foot in front of the other.  P.s Sorry my punctuation is so terrible.

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